Forgiveness

"to err is human, to forgive is divine" - pope

i read this on the MRT on my way home from an afternoon of pool with 2 of my good buddies, Desmond and Ivan. but so many times in life, we would rather forget the whole issue than to go in depth about forgiveness and reconciliation. why? is it because the whole process of forgiveness and understanding the error and to accept the trespasses as it is, is a whole lot more painful and tiring then just forget it ever happen? yes, i believe so as i have ran away from it more often than none.

i am now officially 23 years old... i have never imagined that i could have lived so long, yet it is not without it's effects. i've seen great changes in me and also in my surrondings. people around me became either warmer or the opposite in just a matter of days, characters came and left without a trace, love arrived yet disappeared the moment i was fallen in it. God, how did i get into such a mess? if You are trying to punish me, why let it be emotional? can't You punish me more physically? yes, i'm a battered man for being through 9 surgeries are not without its perks and growth. sincerely, on this birthday i realised who has changed and who has not, who is faithful and who isn't. it does pain me to know the truth yet the truth i must uphold.

yet again, i thank you all who spent the few hours and effort to conjure the unforgettable birthday events that i had. thank you very much... there isn't much to say now, except that i am learning the flaws of being human and survival is critical at this moment.

Understanding

a public holiday to spend with the family and love ones, a day to understand and see the clearer picture... today is the day i understand myself and know what is possible and what is impossible. one has to be realistic and know thy limits.

i went to Pasir Ris Beach today with my family and thanks to my sister's recommendation, i got sun-burnt but it was nothing compared to the constant nagging from her that i was tanned but she's not. but i rather she's not tanned or darkened, she looks prettier when she's fairer or that is just my opinion. it's been a long time since we had a family picnic and today's event was really bonding and fun. the sun, the sand and the sea... what a combination, what an experience... at this blog i would like to say how much i love my dad, my mum and my sister... without them i think life would be pretty meaningless and mundane.

but today also cleared a doubt that i always had, a belief that until today i was not able to comprehend and accept yet today, today i had the courage and determination to accept the truth...

i once fell in love with a very beautiful woman, a woman of class, exceptional wisdom and intelligence and most of all, a woman full of love. our meeting was brief but enough to hurl both of us into the course of relationship. it was beyond description of how much we loved each other. a day absence with either of us would send the other party into immediate loneliness and constant cell-phone messaging. we were deeply in love but time was not on our side. i knew she has to return to where she came from and when will i see her again? i do not know. the day came and she left but we promised that we will try to keep our relationship alive as long as we live... but as usual, things never turn out as planned and cracks started to appear, doubts clouded our judgement and insecurity enveloped our beings. we drifted apart and our relationship ended without much of an objection from her. i hated her, i doubted her. i threw all that belongs or are from her. be it the wallet, the pictures, the letters, the memory of her. i tried to start living again, army took up most of my time and as time passed, the pain lessened. i was looking forward to the new world waiting for me out there until the phone rang one day. as i've deleted all her numbers and contact, i have no recollection of that number that came flashing on my cell-phone and i innocently answered. that voice, that very voice that could smoothen the roughest rocks, that very voice that could either raise the waves or calm the seas inside me came crashing into my ear.

i was hurt again... the pain, the remembrance of lost love, the very memories that i've so long kept hidden and locked up inside came charging out. i was shocked yet i was puzzled too. "didn't she said she wanted to choose career over me? why is she calling me now? does she want to remain friends or whatever bull-shit?" i was skeptical and hesitant but i answered and we started talking. yes, she wants to remain friends and as vacillating as i am, i do have a small portion of me wanting to love her again. things dragged on for a while as the momentum of love starting to build up between us again. she asked if i could fly over for a visit as her work was keeping her at bay. i wanted very much to do so but financially i was not permitted to do so... then i realised, i was falling for her all over again and how i hated myself for allowing such moronic thoughts drifted so long in my mind? i couldn't and shouldn't have loved her once more. pain and doubts resurfaced, fear engulfed my heart and focus withdrew from my life. i couldn't do anything right, existence was in chaos again. why do i love her still? this i cannot answer... was it because of spiritual weakness that she was able to captivate my soul and mind?

i was in a turmoil until today... when i came to acceptance with myself and the truth. even if i do still love her, even if i was to fly over and start loving her again, falling into depths of never-ending passion, i will never be good enough for her. she is too elevated to wish to be with me eternally. this is just a phase in her life where the right person has not arrived yet. i know my status in this world... i am not and never will be her equal. how can an angel fall for a devil? the equation is not right and it does not tally. one has to know thy place and strength, one has to be realistic. if i should disclose a little about her, it would be that she works in a well-known company, has a personal chauffeur provided by the company and is directly below the CEO. damn me if i'm wrong... am i her equal or near it? call me coward, call me loser but please put yourself in my shoe? this is a battle i can't win... her peers, her collegues, her friends, her suitors are way beyond my grip and status. "love conquers all"? don't get me started... yes, i've accepted that failure is the only equation this love will head for if i am to start all over again. why bother then? move on... isn't this what great Generals in the past always believe? "some battles are worth fighting, some are just throwing your men away. so why fight a losing battle? Run and you live to fight another day." i'm just living the code that keeps victors victorious... forgive me if i'm wrong but won't you too encourage your peers to do so if they are in my predicament? fighting a losing battle? give my best? at least try? this is not David vs the Giant, this is life... and i have decided to give up.

as i end today's blog, i would say i do not encourage people to be like me unless you are 100% certain and sure that all isn't going to work out. then... walking away might be the best solution for you. cheers! love isn't all like mine, so don't worry... Love does conquer all, at least in some way...

Inspirations

If a moment of inspiration can create the perfect solution to many problems that we are suffering today, for example... The aging process and the inability to think beyond our 10% brain. Then I believe that Man is on the right track to evolve into greater beings. What do I mean? The opportunities of business today are almost limited. With only a few of the remaining industries surviving well and growing during the economic crisis with the decline in global marketing due to terrorism and unrest in certain countries like Israel, Middle East and South East Asia, what is best for inspiring entrepreneurs and "going-to-be" employees in the near future?

let's just focus on Singapore... i believe ever since the 1997 economic crisis, Singapore has not fully recovered to it's peak again. the economy is still on the stand-still and jobs has been insufficient. yes, the government does mention that more jobs are created, that the market is moving and tomorrow will be a better day. but let's not kid ourselves anymore... with the introduction of foreign talents and the acceptance of China Chinese flooding into Singapore, what does it mean for locals like us? i have nothing against the China Chinese community, really. in fact i admire their courage to travel all the way here and work for a better future, just like our ancestors that came to Nanyang during the 1900s. it's a bold move and i do venerate and envy their leap into the unknown comparing to certain Singaporeans whom are too pampered even to wash their own dishes (my sis).

if i am not wrong, the target population that our government is trying to expand is from the present 4 million all the way to 8 million, almost twice the existing number and rising. we are giving citizenship to China Chinese or even to India Indians and our Caucasian counterparts. yes, it's not a bad move to expand our population and let's not forget the baby bonuses and marriage drive the good people from the Community Development tried to install inside us. i mention "install" as i feel that Singaporeans are sometimes like robots. during the 1980s my parents were installed with the idea that 2 kids are more then enough... now they want us to produce 3. i told my mother, "they think we are pigs? they want 2 i give 2, they want 3, i give them 3?". i'm not saying that the policies are not good but aren't they a little too "pushy"? the present average age of Singaporean males getting married is 30 years old, but during my parents' time, 18 is just nice. "move on with the time", "improve and upgrade oneself", these are good characters to push and encourage but "let's have more babies" isn't going to be my cup of tea. i was intending to turn gay by the way... (sorry to have diverted from the main topic)

as i was saying... 8 million people living in the island of Singapore with jobs so scarce and limited. i ask some of my friends recently, "during our ancestor's time, when Chinese left China to travel to all parts of the world. what was the reason to do so?" and the answer as much to similarity with our history textbook is there was a "Push Factor". China was poor and back-dated, thanks to Mao but i'm not going there. instead i am focusing on the reason of the Push. so as they were poor and wanted to search for a better tomorrow, many left the centre of the world and headed North, South, East and West. may it be negative or positive but let's be honest. the truth is that you can find a Chinatown in almost every country today. so now let's turn our attention to current Singapore. is there a Push Factor pushing us out today? i believe there is. Expensive cars, houses, high cost of living, limited jobs, poor pay and even the fear of being freezed out by foreign talents. in sight of that, the government in fear of not keeping the local talents locally was so great that NUS and NTU removed the requisite of passing Chinese immediately as to be granted entrance to their degree courses. why? to keep our talents here cos' they know that once they are out there, they will not wish to return to Singapore. if we are so attractive, Singaporeans will flock our airports everyday to return but instead it's the foreigners that crowd our arrival hall.

what does it mean? presently there are so much push factor rather than pull factor keeping us in here, to grow in Singapore and lift Singapore to greater heights because of it's living conditions. yes, we are clean, we are modern and we are up to standard but that does not mean we are living happily. the work stress are great, the pay is pathetic and the promotion status are almost dead. included are the introduction of foreign talents and population. if the government is not squeezing us out, i wonder what their agenda is! if i am bold enough to speak, i'll say this to the whole of Singapore, "Please do not loiter around here unless given no choice. the pasture over the other side may not look as green as Singapore but why not try, you may think it's yellow but instead, it may be gold".

i love Singapore, seriously i do. the people i cherish, i love and i want to be with eternally are all based here. but if i have to look outside to make a better tomorrow, i won't hesitate to pack my luggages and head to Changi Airport because right now over here, we are over-crowded.

Deepavali

today's public holiday? i didn't know it until this morning when i woke up and found my parents at home. well, it has to be... if not why are they home? though public holiday means no work and all play, apparently my home rules are on the opposite. my mum wanted a change of water taps, additional power plugs and altering the entire electrical cables in the kitchen... what the $#@*? so me and dad (aka the "Handy Man") set out to work... i have to mention this though, it's not as though i volunteered, it was an order sent from the second "Most High".

the tap in the balcony was a little "leaky", have to change. the tap in the toilet is a little old, have to change... the tap in her toilet is a little rusty, have to change... hey, any one guy (i mean the one with the little brother sticking between his legs) here knows how to do plumbing services? i can bet at least 95% of you guys don't! so anyway, it was real tough and difficult to remove those stinking solid taps that you think it's so convenient to use. just a little turn and wah lah! Water! you guys really are living in another planet if you think it was that simple. fixed 2 taps and i was out of contention with my dad... he fixed 3... anyway, next was changing of electric wiring in the kitchen. easy feat you might say but just remember to turn off the main switch before you try anything stupid. God does not want you up there so quickly... you have to remove the wiring casing, cut new wires, scrap the coverings, join them to existing power points and connect them up correctly in understanding the danger of it.

i really do have to take my hat off to my dad... why? there is nothing he can't fix... well not all but majority. lucky mother, just say, "hey, i think the cable not very nice put here leh" or "feng shui not good to put the fridge here" and me and my dad has to bear the brunt of her ideas. well, it was serious hard work today... and the consolation was that it's all beneficial for my family and me though i am not sure i'm benefitting most of it, haha...

anyone that has plumbing or electrical problems, feel free to drop me a line... i think i might be able to help, really!

Responsibility

haven't had so much running around in one day. from Hougang to Harbour Front to Queensway shopping centre to Ikea to Chinatown and back to Hougang Point. if any man dispute that shopping isn't an extreme sport, i will certainly challange his perspective. why? try carrying bags of clothes, shoes and 2 bags of 100 piece candles plus lots more and take a 50 click hike in shopping centres with extreme crowds. if i should choose location, Pulau Tekong will be a better choice for me.

included in this "BMT" was the constant nagging and whining of my dearest sister, Angelina whom i've been through 16 years of training with yet i still can't overcome it's effect on my ears. either you love her or hate her... well, for me it's responsiblity and obligations to love her. by the way, i've to say her influences on me were pretty huge. do you know how "gossipies" can we get? either we were saying "big boobs" or "large ass" or "cute guys" or "she is so ugly", there were so much girly stuffs in what we say or do and if you ever seen us shopping, you would think that there were 2 girls instead of 1. anyway, back to reality...

i was so freaking exhausted that once home, i struggled to watch Naruto on SCV and immediately took a well-deserved nap till 8.30pm...

so to the question i ask myself each ending day... "what did i learn today?" well, it would be that anywhere and everywhere is heaven if you are with the someone you love and cherish. be it your family, your friends or your "1" true love. if the person tells you that, "hey, it's so boring" or "there isn't anything to do". please reconsider your options... he or she isn't worth the time or effort. so at this blog, i pray and hope that every relationship comes to a great beginning of continual love and bonding, not boring. Jurassic Park is on Channel 5 now... time for some prehistoric bonding.

Persecution

'when you think life couldn't get any worst, it turns around, slapped you in the face and says, "as if"'. hell as it seems has risen through the ranks and disembark on earth. we are living in harmony with creatures from below! by the way, if thoughts can be deemed as a sin compared to the deed itself, then i guess i have committed murders beyond numbers can allocate. but with the Law as present, a crime is not considered done unless it's been done. whee! thank goodness. but even so, aren't we in hell already or rather, hell has cometh to us.

today is a pool day... a game with my comrade in the army, Desmond (aka Da Vinci). we had joy, we had fun, we had threesome in the sun... before you ask more, it's threesome with the pool table, (me + desmond + pool table) sigh... you and your filthy mind. anyway, the score was unmaterial for it was Da Vinci against the Devil. in true words, the lights did flickered and dimmed when i was winning and brightened up when he was in the lead. if that is not a sign, i wonder what is.

i heard news last night from a friend of mine who is now in New York having her holidays. she told me amazing stories of how life is there and their practices. not only does it gave me a cultural shock, it also taught me the meaning of humility. i thought i knew it all, yet when the true masters come, i am nothing but an amatuer. i decided to implore my good friend to teach and educate me the way of life over there. this i have to declare... i may be the "expert" over here but i believe foreign talents still have somethings up their sleeves.

Sympathy for Time...

a tad of sorrow, a scant of despair, added with a little agony beget the introduction of hate and desperate measures. do we all have the seed of evil inside us, waiting for the wrong moment and time to erupt into a full-flowing volcano? should i restrain myself to eternal anger just to prevent bloodshed from happening? why? am i supposed to think and act for the greater good when all that is occurring around me is convincing me that what a fool i am to think so.

people i've trusted, people i've loved, people i've pinned my hopes on all turned their backs or slapped me in the face when assistance was requested. if it's back-stabbing, at least kill me before i even know, right? i'm ashamed, to live in this world, at this time, at this very hour... when darkness reign supreme and all think that this is the period of info-technology, internet, science and bio-technology. doesn't anyone sees all these as distractions from the one true God? am i preaching? sorry if i am but don't get all religious with me, i'm as sinful as anyone in this present world. more sinful than you thought possible. if i have achieved anything during this life-time is that i've become an agent for evil and greatly efficient in my craft. disbelief? when the End comes, when all will be revealed, trust me... you'll be surprised with my deeds and crimes.

today, another unproductive day for me... Laziness is also one of the seven deadly sins for goodness sake. damn, if i'm ever going to Heaven (which i don't think so), i will wonder why... there are so much to do yet i'm delaying it and not even starting on anything that is so pressing. gosh, i'm good at deluding myself all these while. if you need to be lied to or talk out of anything, ask me. i can even make the dead think they are alive. one of traits i am so proud of... as if. be frank, i'm so sick i don't think there's cure yet i can repeatedly fabricate amazing stories to convince myself i'm well. should i be a lawyer? i think i should try... i'll be amazing! "Serial Killer gets Correction Work Order for 26 murders due to amazing lawyer" - headlines in tomorrow newspaper. history will applaud me, parents and children will damn me.

anyway, this is my first blog and guess you'll be bored now. another day perhaps.