Understanding

a public holiday to spend with the family and love ones, a day to understand and see the clearer picture... today is the day i understand myself and know what is possible and what is impossible. one has to be realistic and know thy limits.

i went to Pasir Ris Beach today with my family and thanks to my sister's recommendation, i got sun-burnt but it was nothing compared to the constant nagging from her that i was tanned but she's not. but i rather she's not tanned or darkened, she looks prettier when she's fairer or that is just my opinion. it's been a long time since we had a family picnic and today's event was really bonding and fun. the sun, the sand and the sea... what a combination, what an experience... at this blog i would like to say how much i love my dad, my mum and my sister... without them i think life would be pretty meaningless and mundane.

but today also cleared a doubt that i always had, a belief that until today i was not able to comprehend and accept yet today, today i had the courage and determination to accept the truth...

i once fell in love with a very beautiful woman, a woman of class, exceptional wisdom and intelligence and most of all, a woman full of love. our meeting was brief but enough to hurl both of us into the course of relationship. it was beyond description of how much we loved each other. a day absence with either of us would send the other party into immediate loneliness and constant cell-phone messaging. we were deeply in love but time was not on our side. i knew she has to return to where she came from and when will i see her again? i do not know. the day came and she left but we promised that we will try to keep our relationship alive as long as we live... but as usual, things never turn out as planned and cracks started to appear, doubts clouded our judgement and insecurity enveloped our beings. we drifted apart and our relationship ended without much of an objection from her. i hated her, i doubted her. i threw all that belongs or are from her. be it the wallet, the pictures, the letters, the memory of her. i tried to start living again, army took up most of my time and as time passed, the pain lessened. i was looking forward to the new world waiting for me out there until the phone rang one day. as i've deleted all her numbers and contact, i have no recollection of that number that came flashing on my cell-phone and i innocently answered. that voice, that very voice that could smoothen the roughest rocks, that very voice that could either raise the waves or calm the seas inside me came crashing into my ear.

i was hurt again... the pain, the remembrance of lost love, the very memories that i've so long kept hidden and locked up inside came charging out. i was shocked yet i was puzzled too. "didn't she said she wanted to choose career over me? why is she calling me now? does she want to remain friends or whatever bull-shit?" i was skeptical and hesitant but i answered and we started talking. yes, she wants to remain friends and as vacillating as i am, i do have a small portion of me wanting to love her again. things dragged on for a while as the momentum of love starting to build up between us again. she asked if i could fly over for a visit as her work was keeping her at bay. i wanted very much to do so but financially i was not permitted to do so... then i realised, i was falling for her all over again and how i hated myself for allowing such moronic thoughts drifted so long in my mind? i couldn't and shouldn't have loved her once more. pain and doubts resurfaced, fear engulfed my heart and focus withdrew from my life. i couldn't do anything right, existence was in chaos again. why do i love her still? this i cannot answer... was it because of spiritual weakness that she was able to captivate my soul and mind?

i was in a turmoil until today... when i came to acceptance with myself and the truth. even if i do still love her, even if i was to fly over and start loving her again, falling into depths of never-ending passion, i will never be good enough for her. she is too elevated to wish to be with me eternally. this is just a phase in her life where the right person has not arrived yet. i know my status in this world... i am not and never will be her equal. how can an angel fall for a devil? the equation is not right and it does not tally. one has to know thy place and strength, one has to be realistic. if i should disclose a little about her, it would be that she works in a well-known company, has a personal chauffeur provided by the company and is directly below the CEO. damn me if i'm wrong... am i her equal or near it? call me coward, call me loser but please put yourself in my shoe? this is a battle i can't win... her peers, her collegues, her friends, her suitors are way beyond my grip and status. "love conquers all"? don't get me started... yes, i've accepted that failure is the only equation this love will head for if i am to start all over again. why bother then? move on... isn't this what great Generals in the past always believe? "some battles are worth fighting, some are just throwing your men away. so why fight a losing battle? Run and you live to fight another day." i'm just living the code that keeps victors victorious... forgive me if i'm wrong but won't you too encourage your peers to do so if they are in my predicament? fighting a losing battle? give my best? at least try? this is not David vs the Giant, this is life... and i have decided to give up.

as i end today's blog, i would say i do not encourage people to be like me unless you are 100% certain and sure that all isn't going to work out. then... walking away might be the best solution for you. cheers! love isn't all like mine, so don't worry... Love does conquer all, at least in some way...